A Gamer’s Guide to Life | Surviving a post-nuclear wasteland

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Well, we're still waiting on that Zombie Apocalypse, but there may now be more pressing matters at hand. We've been keeping up with current events and, as a result, we’re almost certain that the bombs are going to drop anytime now. That's right, up to 50 megatons of quaffed, orange idiocy could come crashing down to ruin your day at any moment. ​

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​by Chris
​Brand

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@SuperCrisco

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It’s not a cheery thought, but don’t you panic. The first thing you need to do is get inside that bomb shelter. You've got access to a bomb shelter, right? Of course you do, you're intelligent people. Get there, seal the door(s) and stay put. When the dust settles, you and your family will emerge into a very different world, so here’s what you need to do.

Hoard all of the things

Anything can be a useful commodity with a little creativity, plus you never know what might have been repurposed as makeshift money. Bottle caps, water and bullets immediately spring to mind, but fuel could be a valuable resource too, provided there are still vehicles in working order. Of course, you should be stocking up on ammunition anyway, because a lot of people are going to want to kill you, or at least relieve you of all the ‘valuables’ you've been collecting.

Not all mutants are bad

Radioactive nuclear fallout is sure to have taken its toll on those within the most devastated areas. Yes, some (probably most) mutants will harbour an intense, unwavering desire to rend the flesh from your bones, however, should you cross paths with one of these unfortunates, first bear in mind that they may just be on the lookout for a helping hand.

If you can stand the sight and smell of them, lending these freaks your able mind and body could win over powerful allies. It's bad form to shoot potential pals in the face, right? Not cool, bruh. That kind of reputation will stick with you, and if you're really determined to be the bad guy, there are better ways of going about it.

Joining a gang of raiders could be advantageous

As we've mentioned, a lot of folk are going to want to spill your blood and/or lighten your load. Attempting to ingratiate yourself with a crew of these (potentially) cannibalistic ne'er do wells could provide you with food (be it of questionable origin), water, ammo and invaluable human support. It only comes at the cost of a nagging conscience and a share of your spoils, while possibly also being required to make a messy example of any would-be heroes who stumble upon the encampment...

Just be sure to adhere to any rules and regulations; raiders might not have the strictest of moral codes, but, from what we've seen, they most certainly have dress codes.

There's no going back; this is life now, accept it

The world will never be what it once was - the best we can hope for now is a little bit of stability amidst the chaos. Clean water, shelter from the nuclear fallout, and people you can rely on are now your most prominent needs. You know, those things you had before you left the bomb shelter to go on a madcap adventure?

But hey, maybe one day we'll meet around a campfire, where tales are told of a charming and friendly writer who decided that the end of the world was the perfect occasion to start working on that Soylent Green cookbook he’d always had in mind.