My least favourite achievements, and why you should hate them too

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Let me start by saying that I'm a fan of the whole achievement (and trophy) system. Just hearing the ping and seeing the little notification pop up gives me the same feeling that I imagine many of you get when you receive a text message from a loved one, or see a rival gang member trip over on a busy street (this example may not apply to everyone). Joy, maybe? Happiness? I don't know. One of the feelings.

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​by Chris Brand

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@pass_controller

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​But there's a few achievements that feel less like a small reward for skilfully completing a task, and more like having hot tea thrown in your face because you had the gall to state that "it's a bit chilly!" in the middle of February.
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If we all join together - not under the banner of love but under the warm, soft embrace of fury - to hate these things as one, the world will be a better place.

Gems of War - Mythical Creature - 15G

Please understand that I am acutely aware of just how much nobody gives a damn. This free-to-play, match-3 game is played by approximately eight people; I know this, because they are all on my friends list (hi!).

To get this, all you need do is ascend one card, any card, to mythic rank. The lower the base rank (or rarity) of the card, the more duplicate cards you'll need. The higher the base rank, the fewer duplicate cards you'll need. Of course, the more rare a card is, the lower your chances of ever seeing it.

The reasons why this sends me into a blind rage are myriad. Most importantly, it's because this achievement was added mere hours after I had gained 100% completion. If you look over this thread, you'll notice that this is a big deal, as it was - or would've been - the first game I'd managed to 100% that didn't have only unmissable achievements.

I attempted to gauge how long this one achievement would take to get, but the maths started to get very complicated round about the time I was working out the probability of my great-great-great-great-grandson opting to take over the family Gamertag, which had been passed down for generations. If you think it’s sexist that my great-great-great-great-granddaughter wasn’t asked to do it, then shame on you. It’s simply because she has far better things to do with her life than play this stupid little game that was invented before people had even heard of the three seashells.

Gears of War - Commando - 30G

​To get this achievement you must complete all acts on the Insane difficulty setting, which is unlocked after completing the game.

Insane is beholden to quite a few tricky moments that could see you restarting from the previous checkpoint, teeth firmly clenched, as a co-op buddy and I found out.

Exploding Lambent Wretches and Berserkers with a supernatural ability to locate even the quietest of muscle bound soldiers, only served to slow us down, as we valiantly chainsawed our way through the Locust horde, filled General RAAM with lead and spilled enough blood to make the world's largest (and most disgusting) Bloody Mary.

"But Crisco," you start to wonder, "How could such a handsome man - with an unbelievable amount of wit, charm and charisma - not have enjoyed gaining this outstanding achievement? Maybe we could discuss this over a drink or two?"

Well, incredibly observant and hypothetical reader, it's because this took place before the aforementioned co-op buddy and I had Xbox Live. We don't have any proof of this, nor do we have that achievement unlocked on our profiles.

I know what some of you are thinking: Gears of War was given away free as part of the Games with Gold program and is now backwards compatible. It would be easy enough to get that achievement. It would be, but then I’m down one entry and this whole thing would seem unfinished.

That would clearly be the worst thing that has ever happened.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh, Parts 1 and 2 - Most of the achievements - up to 400G

If you've never played this two part, beat-em-up adventure - good. Good for you. If you have played it, you'll likely know why it makes the list.

In a totally forgettable story, you play as either Rorschach or second rate Batm... err... Nite Owl. After beating up a room full of enemies, you progress to the next room to fight another gang of enemies. This happens a number of times and then you've completed the game.

Some of the achievements are almost too easy, completing the game with one character took me only a couple of hours, and I regularly eat out of date food just to see if I get sick (yes, yes I do). Some, however, require a Sam Sant-ian level of skill that I do not possess. For example, flawlessly pulling off all eight of your character’s combos in 1 minute, which necessitates being in a place with enough enemies to withstand a monumental beating, but not enough to overwhelm you. 

All of this would be fine if it wasn't for the Gamerscore you are 'awarded' for most of them - 8's, 11's and 36's threaten to ruin your profile unless you can get the full set. 

No more will my Gamerscore end in a pleasing 0 or 5, which, I'm sure we all agree, would be the new worst thing that has ever happened.

Red Dead Redemption - Dastardly - 5G

Dastardly is secret achievement, so a very minor spoiler follows.

Red Dead Redemption is fantastic. No other game has so accurately portrayed what it was like to be a cowboy. Riding horses, hunting, picking flowers, opening holes in people with your trusty revolver, picking more flowers... it has it all.

Dastardly, as an achievement, fits perfectly. It's an incredibly old-timey Western thing to do. You hog-tie a woman, gently place her on the nearest train tracks and watch as the speeding locomotive turns her into a fine, red mist.

Don’t get me wrong, I'm not one of those who believe that violent games make people violent -the same way I don't believe that playing Minecraft makes you an architect - but the fact that Dastardly is a secret achievement means everyone knows that I wasn't doing that for a virtual high-five and some imaginary points. It was simply for my own sick amusement.

I love the game, I love the achievement, but I hate that it shows me to be the sort of person who will commit the most sickening acts if they think no-one is watching.

At least I wasn't one of the many people who admitted to sacrificing a nun just for the measly 5G...

Now, how about that drink you were talking about? Share your achievement/trophy woes with us in the forums, or leave them in a comment below.