Weirdest quests in gaming

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We've all got a few, haven’t we? Quests in games that we’ve never forgotten, for a variety of reasons. Some were emotional, some were hilarious and some just left us with a serious case of ‘WTF’ face; but whatever it was that did it, they stick in our mind and we just can’t help but talk about them. Come with me as I take you through a few of my own personal favourites from the ‘plain weird’ category – and when we’re done, come join us on the forum and tell us your own questing highlights.

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by Emily Munro

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Final Fantasy VII – THAT cross-dressing quest.
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Take one macho, moody, male ex-soldier turned mercenary, and put him in a shiny dress. That alone is weird enough – couple it with the fact that you’re doing it to gain access to a brothel, where you’re going to try and seduce another (incessantly creepy) man, and the weird factor gets a little too high.

If it’s not enough that someone actually came up with the quest in the first place, it’s bizarre the amount of thought and effort that went into accumulating the necessary items to acquire Cloud’s goddess-like perfection. Not only can you choose how your new dress looks and feels, but via a few other menial tasks (one of which includes regaining consciousness with a muscled, moustached man above you…) you can gather such womanly necessities as underwear, a tiara and a rather fetching wig. With the right combination of items, Don Corneo will pick you and uh… take you to his bedroom. Personally cannot wait to see how they do this one in the upcoming remake… Don’t you dare cut it, Square-Enix.

Fallout New Vegas – Wang Dang Atomic Tango

It’s another brothel related quest – sorry not sorry. The proprietor of The Atomic Wrangler is in need of some new escorts to cater for his customers with more… acquired tastes. As his ‘scout’, you need to find three people – a ghoul cowboy, a ‘suave talker’, and a sexbot. The first two are strange enough, but the fun really starts when you travel to the robotics factory to recruit Fisto. Yes, Fisto.

Once you’ve successfully completed all the necessary steps to upgrade and recruit Fisto, your character can take him (her? It?) back to The Atomic Wrangler for a reward. Or… you can ‘test it out’ first. Now, in the name of fairness and all, obviously I had to try both options. Trying Fisto out before you take him home results in a rather sinister looking black screen, a peculiar drilling sound, and a rather amusing conversation afterwards in which you report that you can no longer feel your legs. This is normal, Fisto informs you. Perfectly normal.

Skyrim – A Night to Remember

You know those nights out where you end up playing a drinking game for a staff, stealing a goat and almost marrying a stranger? Turns out that happens in Tamriel, too.

A Night to Remember is a quest in Skyrim that can be started in any random tavern in any town or village – when a gentleman named Sam offers you a drink. Naturally, being courteous, you accept – only to black out after three drinks and wake up on the floor of a temple you’ve apparently trashed. Tasked with tidying the place up, you then find a note from your mysterious friend in the tavern, and a rather long series of unfortunate events unfolds, involving you stealing aforementioned goat and giving it to a giant, attempting to marry someone you don’t know, and generally causing mayhem. It almost makes you feel like you have a social life again. Totally worth it..

Fable 2 – Love Hurts

Romance isn’t quite dead yet, although in this quest it very much is. Quite literally.

Victor wants to bring back his lost love, and the only way to do so is for you to heroically acquire her body parts from various places (how does that even happen?) and resurrect her. Nothing says romance like the harvesting of limbs, after all. Upon collection of all the necessary parts, you then have a moral choice to make – the resurrected lady will fall instantly in love with the first person she claps eyes (or eye sockets) upon. Therefore you can either let Victor have his slightly necrophilia-ish way with her, or you can nab yourself a lovely undead girlfriend instead. If nothing else, she’s probably not that high maintenance. I don’t think dead people eat much, so cheap date right there.

Borderlands 2 – You Are Cordially Invited

We were never going to get through this without a reference to Tiny Tina, where we? I mean, where else do I get an excuse to use the word badonkadonks and have people know what I mean, or refer to a crumpocalypse?
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Probably one of my favourite game characters ever, Tiny Tina is an explosive obsessed 13-year-old with more than a little bit of a mean streak. Tina wants revenge for the death of her parents, and she’s invited the bandit who killed them over for a little tea party - as you do. The preceding quests entail such delights as acquiring Princess Fluffybutt – a hand grenade in doll’s clothes - before luring Flesh-Stick the bandit to the party where he’s promptly tortured by Tina. It’s pure brilliance.

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Don’t forget to come along and let us know what quests are your own personal favourites in the forum!

​No explosive tea parties, I promise.

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